The Bad News Jazz

Well this last week, I went on a date with a sweet girl. Part of the night we decided to go watch her little brother play in his Jr. Jazz basketball game. Right after I arrived, I was greeted by one of the fathers....well....her father to be exact who started asking me if I knew anything about basketball....Well, here are the facts about what I know.

1) Basketballs are round....for the most part.
2)Teams play 5 vs 5.
3) Coaches throw chairs and cameramen often get their collective groin stomped on.
4) People speak highly of "the paint".
5)Karl Malone used to do television commercials for Hardee's
6) Hardee's still has better french toast sticks than Burger King.
7) White men can't jump.
8) Double Dribble, Air Balls, Personal Fouls and Lay Up's sound like something reserved for a porno channel.

That being said, they asked me to coach for this team because the real coach was out and had missed something like 2 weeks in a row. Here are the reasons I was qualified to coach:

1) I have never coached a sports team in my life.
2) I suck at basketball and never played on any professional team in school or anywhere else.
3) Some days I can't even spell "Horse".
4) I don't have any kids....
5) I didn't even give of the appearance that I knew how to coach. I'm an overweight white guy wearing skate shoes and a beanie.


This would have been a better choice:

(Coach purse sitting on the bench next to me.)

Well the game started up, and wouldn't you know that the one week I coach, my team is playing the best team in the league? Not only had these other kids been fed growth hormones, they were making all of their shots. Each kid on the team was about 5 feet tall and had no less than 37 points on the score sheet. It was a triple double free for all.

OK, I exaggerate, but only slightly....they weren't really a team...they were more of a collective mass of swarming pre-pubescent mutants with cyborg canons for arms.

I think we lost 24-10 and that was only because my little players started to tell me what to do.

Watching this kids pass behind the back and run circles around my little squadron seemed to invoke memories of something I had seen before...

Anyways, it was overall a good experience and fun to try and rally my little troops but I don't think I was ever cut out for the coaching business. It was one big Jr. Jazz fail.

All I Need To Know, I've Learned From A Cat!

It's been a while since I posted anything, and I was trying to think of something really philosophical to post. Maybe things I learned last year, or what I hope to accomplish this year...but when it all came down to it, I realized that everything I have ever needed to know, I have learned from a cat!

1: Be sure and stretch before any type of exercise.

2: It's all about perspective... Not everyone will feel the same as you, or see things the same way as you.
3. Always dream of being something greater than you are, and never stop trying to grow into those dreams.

4: Moderation in all things...*Good advice from a fat man*

5: Breakfast in bed at least once a year....you have to make time to relax.

6. There are many many many things that take priorities above video games.

7: Always appreciate what you have...someone else has less.

8: Try to make time for only one kind of Drama in your life.

9: Savor every victory...no matter how small or salty.

10: Finally...be happy....No matter how rough things get or how dismal they become, always remember not to sweat the small stuff. Buckle down, and before you know it, you'll be laughing again so hard you can't breathe.

A Tribute To Noreen Stone

This week in dispatch has been full of many changes. New policies and seating assignments have confused everyone and left us all a little frazzled and burned out.It's been a week of readjusting to different surroundings and new faces. The most intense change of all came in the form of a small party to honor the retirement of Noreen Stone....

Noreen is much more than just an employee around here....she is one who really gives her entire heart and mental capacity to this job. She genuinely cares about her friends and co-workers and the people she serves every day. She is the sweetest person you will ever meet and usually spends her free time finding ways to make life easier for everyone else.

Working in a 911 dispatch center can be very stressful at times and we all have days that shake us to a wit's end. Having Noreen around was kind of like a rudder and sail that kept our boat afloat. She knew the answer to any question or handle any situation that could arise irregardless of how messy things became when they would hit the fan. She is always patient and could handle any situation with a cool head.

She is the last person to lose her temper, and even when she did, you couldn't help but laugh along with her because she naturally isn't a negative person. It would be like watching a Nun cuss out a football game while flipping you off for bringing crappy dip....it's just so....out of place.

Noreen was so much more than a great employee for us...She was an example, a mentor, a selfless dispatcher and most of all a friend.

She will be sorely missed and we here in Weber Dispatch are extremely jealous of those southwestern bastards that offered her a sweeter deal...Noreen, we are happy for you and wish you the best in your new endeavor...but sincerely pray the masterminds behind your abduction will be stricken with sonic diarrhea forever.

El Skeleto and the BK Lounge.

Today I was on my way home from the movies and decided to stop off for a couple of those cheeseburgers on the dollar menu over at the BK Lounge (ha ha Dane Cook).

I rolled around to the window with my two dollars and change ready to go. The guy slides open the window and leans out with a hearty "how are you today!?"....

He had long dark hair coming out from under his BK hat. He was slender build with a dark skin tone and kind of gangly looking...He looked familiar...too familiar...

I sat there looking at him for a minute...it was like Deja Vu or something, and then I found the words...

"I cahannot Beeleev ju hav not been bap-taized!"....

I whispered the words to myself. He looked up and I played it off...No sir, I wasn't talking to anyone....

He handed me my food and I drove away...

And that's how I met EL Skeleto at the BK Lounge.

Fortune Cookie Failure!

So today I opened a fortune cookie and was presented with this gem of wisdom... Confucius says: "This fortune cookie sucks..."

WTF does this even mean...is it like Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band members going somewhere important....did I contemplate a large investment into the Rubber Band market and this is my big confirmation? Or is it simply reminding me that any and all rubber bands should be stored to the right of where I sit.

I feel like it takes a Einstein/Shatner meshed brain wave to contemplate this one...

I guess we will never know.

At least the cookie was good....

The Tale of the Heart Boxers....and a GUN!

So I was talking to an old friend of mine the other day and he reminded me of a pretty good story. It's not really a dating horror story because the girl had nothing to do with it, but it goes along those same foibles and dating adventures of youth.

My friends and I use to sing a long of songs A Capella in our little group. There were 4-5 of us and we had a little rotisserie of songs we toyed with for different occasions. We could change the words and use them to ask girls to the dance or things like that...

We found out that it was always kind of awkward for the girl if we showed up and had her come to the door, sang her an awesome song and then just stood around...she would be embarassed...so instead, we would park around the corner, and when the song was done, we would just wink or something cheesy and run away.

We were dorks.

Point is...this was one such night...


There were were singing to this girl out in the middle of a new subdivision. We had parked up around the corner in a little culdesac road that wasn't finished yet.

The song went well and when we were done, we ran like usual.

There we were, rushing around the corner and piling into my old hoopdee car when we hear this voice yell "Freeze!!"

I glance over and here is a middle aged white dude....standing in front of the house we had parked at....wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts with hearts all over them...

At first I'm thinking.... "whoa boxer man go back inside"....but then...

"I SAID FREEZE!!!" he yelled again...

Then I noticed that crazy pasty white guy in heart boxer shorts is holding a nice big revolver and has it pointed at us...at this point we were already in the car....immediately hands shot up in the air from all windows of the car...

"I saw you guys running, what are you doing, did you just break into someones house?"

"NO MAAAANN!!!! we just asked a girl to a dance by singing to her and were running back to our car!!!"

"I don't believe that one bit! Stay right there, I'm calling the police!"

At that point, middle aged pasty white heart boxer short man jingle jangles his way up the steps and in to his house.


I didn't know my ghetto boat of a car had this kind of power, but in a flash, I was spinning the wheel and punching the gas and we were screeching our way out of that culdesac and out of that neighborhood.

The moral of the story is this...if you're going to go outside and point a gun and the wholesome choir boys that just asked your ugly teenage neighbor out to a dance...you better put some damn pants on man....seriously.

Dating Horrors: Chapter 3

So this took place on a New Years Eve some years ago....I had been dating a girl for several months...I like her...she liked me...we hung out a lot and had a great time...we had kissed...life was good right? Well she wanted me to go to a New Years Eve party at some house with her friends...but I was kind of sick...

I had strep throat and I remember telling her it probably wasn't smart to go out and be around everyone..."no big deal" she said..."I'll come visit after they drop the ball"....right on...what a girl...so she and her girlfriend go to this party...

Some time later she shows up at my house insisting that I return with her to the party..."it's the best party ever, and you have to go" she says..."we're kidnapping you." So I get ready and go with her and her friend to this party...

We get there and there was quite a few people there, scattered all over the house...some were drinking, some were not, there were games in one room, people playing cards in the kitchen, movie downstairs....pretty normal stuff....

Well we decide to go watch the movie....we end up snuggling together on the couch watching this movie....pretty soon some guy who is totally plastered comes walking down the stairs...he is talking REALLY LOUD because he is REALLY DRUNK...he glances at us on the couch and says VERY LOUDLY "Oh Hi (insert girls name)! How are you? Looking good! and Whats up (Insert name of boy that was not me..) Oh....wait....you aren't (insert same name of boy that was not me...) Whoops!! Then he stumbled back up the stairs...

I look at her, and she says "don't worry about it, he's plastered..."

This guy ends up taking a seat in the next room at the top of the stairs, in the kitchen area, and he is still talking REALLY LOUD!!! I can hear every word he says as he proclaims to everyone else there that "THAT KID IS DEAD MAN!!! (insert name of boy who is not Joe) is going to MURDER THAT KID!!! HE"S GOING TO CASTRATE HIM WHEN HE FINDS OUT!!!"

Well I look at her, and she is white as a ghost...so I tell her it's time to take me home...we're driving home and I tell her.."OK...spill it...who is (insert name of boy who was not me)."

Suddenly...

She jerks the wheel...we screech to a stop at the side of the road...she begins to cry...leans over and pops open her glove box....and there...

was...

A SHRINE!!!!

She had a big picture of this kid, jewelry, letters, flowers....all arranged and occupying the full space where her registration should be! I've never seen anything like it, and the few times I had been in her car, I had never had cause to open the glove box.

Through her tears she says "That is (boy who was not me...) and he and I are in love...but he is away for a while serving a mission for the church, but I just KNOW that when he gets back we are destined to be together and we WILL get married!!!!"

after a stunned silence...I said..."well wait a second...what about me...."

She replies...

"Well....I guess you're like......a.....FILLER until he gets back...."

So I say...."WHOA WHAT? What about us? We had something great! We kissed and everything! I thought it was going great!?"

And she says....

"About the kissing...it's just...well.....RAGING HORMONES!"

"Take me home..." I growled....

he came back and broke up with her...she never married him....

The End.